


My Universe Will Never Be The Same

by BoomquieshaJ



Series: Welcome To The New Age [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, mentions past mpreg, overprotective!Jonny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-22 01:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoomquieshaJ/pseuds/BoomquieshaJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonny never knew what having a family would mean, what being a father would mean, and even at this point he’s still not completely certain, but he’s grateful that, just like everything he’s done in his life, he’s not going to have to figure it out alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Universe Will Never Be The Same

**Author's Note:**

> Thankful, as always, for Liz, who continues to be the best human in the world, even when it takes me all summer to write 5000 words. This is for you, love. And Lyn and Lacey too of course.

Jonny came to terms with his possessive nature a long time ago. For as long as he can remember, he’s liked his things to be just that- _his things_.

 

The biggest mistake his parents ever made in his childhood was telling him that David was _his_ little brother, because he took that to mean that he didn’t have to share him. You can imagine his disappointment when it came time for David to start school and he started making friends. Jonny was not amused. It’s been said that his patented Tazer stare was first used when David had the audacity to bring a friend home from school.

 

He got over it eventually, of course, and the older he got the more he learned to share and accept that not everything he had belonged solely to him.

 

Like Kaner.

 

Kaner is Jonny’s linemate, his best friend, his husband, and the all around most important thing in Jonny’s life. With that kind of attachment you would think that Jonny would be able to lay complete claim to Patrick’s time and attention, but Jonny has long since accepted that this will never be the case. Patrick is extremely close to his family, especially his three younger sisters, and even in the midst of a long road trip will always make time for them. He’s also extremely loyal to his friends, both on the Blackhawks and on other teams, and outside the NHL. These are things that Jonny loves about Patrick, so it doesn’t bother him as much anymore when Patrick is more than willing to sacrifice time he could be spending with Jonny for his family and friends.

 

After the initial shock of finding out that Kaner is pregnant, Jonny’s latent possessiveness revives itself, and takes on a new fierce overprotectiveness, much to his husband’s chagrin, and it only gets worse after his daughters are actually born.  

 

The feeling Jonny gets the first time he holds his daughters in his arms is unlike anything he felt after his baby brother was born, or after he married Kaner. The feeling of having something that belongs to him is still there, of course, and it’s coupled with an overwhelming need to make sure that they are protected from every possible form of harm. More than that, though, is the feeling of belonging to someone else. Lynette and Lacey _own_ Jonny in a way that he never even fathomed was possible, and it’s evident from the first time they open their eyes. Their sapphire eyes hold more power over him even than those of the man who carried them and brought them into the world. Jonny would give anything on the earth for Kaner, but for his two daughters, he’d throw the sun, moon, and stars into the package as well.

 

Life’s rough, though, when you’re under the complete ownership of two people whose needs you can never know for certain. Sure, it’s easy to tell when one of them needs a diaper change, or when they might be hungry. It’s unbearable for Tazer when they cry and he has absolutely no idea what’s wrong or how to fix it. Nothing is more frustrating for him than the fact that they can’t respond to him when he asks them what’s wrong, because he’s their Papa and he just wants to make them better.

 

Such is the case on the girls’ first Christmas.

 

It’s been almost seven months since Jonny won his third Stanley Cup and his second Conn Smythe trophy, seven months since a bigger milestone than all of those trophies combined: the birth of Lyn and Lacey. The new season is just over two months old and the Blackhawks are playing as well as expected of the defending champions. It’s nothing like the historic streak that led to Jonny’s second Cup (and Kaner’s Conn Smythe), but all lines are playing well and both goalies are in top form. The only complaint that Jonny could possible make is the lack of Patrick on his right wing, but even that looks promising. Patrick’s been training with the team since August and is very much back in shape. The only thing keeping him from joining the Blackhawks back on the ice is feeling that the twins are too young to be left without both of their parents for the extended periods of time that roadtrips would cause. With the twins over a half a year old though, both Jonny and Patrick think it’s time to consider hiring a full-time nanny for them. So Jonny is hopeful that great Bickell-Toews-Kane line of 2013 will be reunited after the Christmas break.

 

That is, if the the Toews family actually manages to survive Christmas break, which Jonny doesn’t feel is very likely to happen.         

 

“I just don’t understand why we can’t have a nice family Christmas here by ourselves,” Jonny moans for perhaps the hundredth time in the last week. In fact, Jonny knows perfectly well why they can’t do that; both his mother and mother-in-law would kill them both if they tried to keep the twins away from them, not to mention the epic side-eyes he would get from his sisters-in-law. It’s not even that Jonny doesn’t want to go to Winnipeg to be with family, but it’s the freaking middle of winter and it’ll be freezing, which he reminds Patrick as they’re getting ready for bed the night before they’re set to leave.

 

“It’s cold here, it’s cold in New York, it’s cold everywhere,” Patrick says. “No matter where we go or stay or whatever, it’s gonna be cold.”

 

“I’m just saying, the girls will probably be better off if we kept them home in the warmth,” Jonny says. “I’m not at all excited about dealing with another cold.”

 

“Yeah I know what you mean, but will <i> we </i> be better off?” Patrick asks seriously, climbing into bed and allowing himself to be pulled in by Jonny.

 

“What do you mean?” Jonny asks.

 

“I don’t know, I just shudder to think what forms of torture Andree and Donna will use on us if we tried to keep their granddaughters away from them.”

 

“It won’t be that bad,” Jonny says, trying to convince himself just as much. “I’m sure they’ll understand us wanting to have our own Christmas, with us being a new family and all.”

 

“Well, that’s all fine and dandy, Jon, but it’s not just about that,” Patrick tells him.

 

“What is it about then?”

 

“Mostly that this is one of the few guaranteed times that we get to see our families,” Patrick answers.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Jonny assures him, pressing a kiss to Patrick’s temple. “I just have a bad feeling about it, that’s all.”

 

“I feel like this has been my catch phrase over the past year- let it go,” Patrick says. “Everything is going to be fine.”

 

He’s wrong, of course, as they’re woken up at six a.m. the morning of Christmas Eve, two hours before they were set to wake up, by cries coming through the baby monitor. Jonny is up in a flash, though Patrick is a bit sluggish. Jonny checks both girls frantically, and they only get more agitated by being picked up from their cribs.

 

“Wutizit?” Patrick slurs sleepily from where he’s standing in the doorway to the nursery.

 

“I don’t know,” Jonny replies helplessly, laying Lacey back in her crib. “They’re both dry, and this is not a hungry cry. Pat, they sound miserable.”

 

“Well, let me see what’s the matter,” Patrick says, waking up and putting on his best daddy voice. He reaches over and picks up Lyn, who seems more irritated at Lacey’s crying than anything else. She calms down measurably upon being held by Patrick, and Jonny feels the same slight pang of jealousy he feels whenever the girls react more favorably to Patrick than they do to him. He understands that it comes from the familiarity of time spent together, but still. “Well that was easy,” Patrick comments, handing Lyn over to Jonny to hold and moving over to check on Lacey. Lacey does not calm down even minutely in Patrick’s arms, and Jonny can’t help but feel a little smug about it.

 

“Not so easy with that one,” Jonny comments.

 

“No,” Patrick replies absently, digging through the drawer where they keep spare pacifiers and things, pulling out the baby thermometer. “Can you keep that one quiet while I check her temperature?”

 

“You think she’s warm?”

 

“She’s running a little hotter than usual, yeah,” Patrick tells him. “This is only gonna make her more miserable, so you should take Lyn out of the room so she doesn’t get any more disturbed.”

 

Jonny does what he’s told, taking Lyn into their bedroom and laying down with her on his chest. Even though they may seem to like their Daddy a little bit more, there’s no denying the comfort they seem to take from being bundled up and laying on their Papa’s chest, like Lyn is doing now. Jonny isn’t the biggest man to ever live, but he’s noticeably bigger than Patrick and he likes to use it to his advantage when he can, and there’s nothing to Jonny like having his daughters rest comfortably on his chest. They’re both dozing off when Patrick comes in a few minutes later with a slightly pacified Lacey.

 

“She’s running a fever,” Patrick informs him, laying carefully so as to not jostle either of the twins. “And I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a headache, too, though it’s impossible to tell of course.”

 

“A cold?”

 

“A cold,” Patrick answers.

 

“And we _have_ to go to Winnipeg?”

 

“We risk bodily harm if we don’t,” Patrick reminds him, to which Jonny groans. “We’ll be fine.”

 

Jonny doubts it.

 

***

 

They are _not_ fine.

 

Though they’re able to coax another hour of sleep out of the twins after getting them to settle down, Lacey wakes up even more irritable than when she went to sleep, and the only way to keep Lyn from joining in the crying is to keep them in separate rooms. It’s not so easy, since now Lacey doesn’t do so well with being put down, even though before she would rather they both left her alone.

 

“This is impossible,” Jonny grumbles through trying to brush his teeth and hold Lacey at the same time.

 

“It’s not impossible,” Patrick tells him from the shower. “I do it all the time. Of course you could just put her down.”

 

“But that just makes her even more upset!”

 

“I know,” Patrick says. “But if you want to actually get dressed so we don’t miss our flight, you’re gonna have to do it. Try putting her in the swing.”

 

“Lyn’s in the swing, and if she hears Lacey crying, then she’ll start crying.”

 

“Well let them cry then.”

 

“Patrick!”

 

“Babies cry, Jonny. It’s a thing.”

 

“Yeah, but if I can avoid it...”

 

“Sometimes you can’t,” Patrick tells him, climbing out of the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist. “Hand her over.”

 

“You’re all wet,” Jonny reminds him.

 

“Hand. Her. Over,” Patrick repeats, emphasizing each word.

 

Jonny does and Patrick leaves the bathroom without saying another word. Jonny finishes brushing his teeth and is taking his own turn in the shower when Patrick comes back baby-less.

 

“What’d you do with her?”

 

“Left her out on the balcony,” Patrick answers matter-of-factly.

 

“ _Patrick!_ ”

 

“Calm down, Jonny. I put her in the swing.”

 

“And is she still crying?”

 

“She calmed down a bit but she’s still fussy,” Patrick answers. “We’ll just have to deal with her being a little irritable okay? Now hurry up, we gotta get outta here.”

 

***

 

First class or not, Jonny refuses to ever fly as a civilian ever again, especially out of O’Hare where people are rude for no reason and show no sympathy at all to fathers of sick infants. And if he never has to fly with Patrick again, it’ll be too soon because that man is of no help whatsoever.

 

They’d finally gotten Lacey to sleep, bundled up in her sling against Jonny’s chest when it comes time for Jonny to walk through the metal detector.

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Toews,” the guard says, “but if you’re gonna keep the baby in the sling, we’ll have to do an extra check.”

 

“No,” Jonny says simply.

 

“Jonny,” Patrick sighs exasperatedly.

 

“No, Patrick. They’re not touching her, they’re not moving her, they’re not anything-ing her. It’ll wake her up and I just got her to sleep. No.”

 

“You’re being difficult and you’re holding up the line, just cooperate,” Patrick pleads.

 

“ _No_.”

 

“We can put her back to sleep Jonny, it’ll be fine,” Patrick promises.

 

Of course Jonny should have known better than to ever trust Patrick’s promises, because he apparently has some agenda to make Jonny and their daughter as miserable as possible. Lacey does wake up after being jostled by the guard’s extra check, and is inconsolable after having the first thing she sees upon waking up be some weird man’s face and feeling his hands on her.

 

“That’s enough,” Jonny all but screams, yanking himself away from the guard. “You’re upsetting her.”

 

“He’s just doing his job Jonny, you’re making this difficult for everyone else,” Patrick scolds, as he and Lyn get their own extra check.

 

“I have to finish the check, Mr. Toews, or I won’t be able to let you through,” the guard says.

 

“You’ve done enough,” Jonny tells him. “The thing didn’t even go off,” he reminds him, gesturing towards the metal detector.

 

“It’s policy, sir.”

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“Jonny, I swear to god.”

 

“She’s already upset now let us go so I can sit down somewhere and try to calm her down.”

 

“I can’t be seen letting you through just because of your status in the city, Mr. Toews,” the guard says.

 

“I’m not asking for anything based on my _status in the city_ ,” Jonny responds. “I’m asking because my baby is sick and she’s crying and I need to take care of her.”

 

“Jonny, for the love of god just give me the baby,” Patrick says, marching over to him, looking ready to kill Jonny. And he’s got some nerve, in Jonny’s opinion. If he was more concerned for their daughters’ well-being he’d totally side with Jonny, right? Right.

 

“What?”

 

“Give her here,” he repeats, shifting Lyn to side a little so he can hold them both comfortably after Jonny does as he’s told. “Go ahead, sir, pat him down, feel him up, kill him, at this point I don’t really care.”

 

***

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Patrick asks Jonny after they finally make it to their terminal. Jonny has both girls in his arms looking sullen while Patrick gets their bottles ready. Lacey is still fussy but isn’t crying as badly as before.

 

“Nothing’s wrong with me,” Jonny answers too defensively.

 

“Yeah, okay,” Patrick says disbelievingly.

 

“Don’t be a dick!”

 

“I’m not being a dick,” Patrick replies calmly. “And keep your voice down, goodness.”

 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Jonny says childishly.

 

“Okay,” Patrick repeats, setting the bottles down so he can take Lyn from Jonny. They feed the babies in silence for a while, as Jonny tries to calm down and sort out why he’s so upset.

 

“You didn’t have my back,” he says finally.

 

“That’s because you were being ridiculous,” Patrick replies without missing a beat, obviously knowing what Jonny was referring to.

 

“Yeah but,” Jonny starts, but Patrick cuts him off.

 

“No ‘but,’” Patrick starts. “You’re my husband and I love you and of course I have your back, but not when you’re being ridiculous and holding up lines and not cooperating with the TSA guy who was trying to do his job. You’re not stupid Jonny, so I know you know that how you were acting wasn’t cool.”

 

“I know,” Jonny admits, “but Lacey is sick and I didn’t even know that man and he was prodding around her with that thing and it upset me because it was upsetting her.”

 

“I understand,” Patrick assures him. “You may not believe it, but I don’t like it when the girls cry any more than you do. With all the time I’ve spent with them, I’ve grown to accept that there’s only so much I can do to stop it, and I just have to deal.”

 

“What do you mean ‘with all the time you have to spend with them’?”

 

“Jonny, don’t start.”

 

“Are you trying to make me feel bad about not getting to spend much time with them?”

 

“I said _don’t start_.”

 

“Well are you?” Jonny asks.

 

“No, you idiot. Why the hell would I do that? What is wrong with you?”

 

“I...” Jonny starts lamely. “I don’t even know.” And the truth is, he really doesn’t.

 

“Well, you need to figure it out.”

 

***

 

The flight, once they finally get aboard, is relatively uneventful. They don’t have any carry-ons besides the girls’ (admittedly stuffed) diaper bag, so once that’s put in the overhead compartment, Jonny and Patrick each settle into their seats, each holding one of the twins. Lyn, being the healthy one, is wide awake and playing with Patrick, giggling excitedly as Patrick bounces her up and down on his lap. Lacey is awake as well, but much more miserably so, just as fussy as she had been that morning, though thankfully not crying. Jonny has been silent ever since his conversation with Patrick in the terminal and is not feeling like himself at all, though he can’t figure out why. Patrick doesn’t demand any more out of him, simply grabs his hand, lacing their fingers together as they take off. Jonny clings to him like the lifeline he’s always been to him.

 

***

 

They’re met at the airport by David, who, being Jonny’s brother and best friend, knows something’s up instantly upon looking at his brother and his family. He greets Patrick with a handshake, then presses a light kiss to Lyn’s forehead so as to not wake her up from where she’s sleeping against Patrick’s chest. He greets his brother and Lacey, who’s also sleeping, thank god, and then grabs all of their bags, leading them out and to the car.

 

“Lacey’s sick,” Jonny says preemptively, once they’re all settled in for the long drive from the airport to their parents’ house. “So, uh, if things seem a little off, it’s because we’ve been dealing with that all day.”

 

“You sure that’s the only thing bothering you?” David asks. Jonny shoots a quick look over his shoulder to the backseat where Patrick is dozing off, his head lolling back on the headrest. He’s probably not actually asleep, but Jonny takes this as an opportunity to talk to his brother anyhow.

 

“I don’t know,” Jonny admits. “Things were weird at the airport.”

 

“Weird like how?”

 

“I may have overreacted a bit in the security check,” Jonny answers, to which Patrick clearly snorts. Jonny chooses to ignore him, and thankfully David seems to as well.

 

“ _Care to elaborate_?” David asks, switching to French.

 

“ _Not really_ ,” Jonny says. “ _You know how I am_.”

 

“ _Fortunately for you, that’s enough of an answer for me_ ,” David tells him. “ _Did you and Kaner get in a fight or something_?”

 

“ _Yeah, but I still don’t know over what_ ,” Jonny responds. “ _I got mad at him for not having my back, and he said I was being ridiculous_.”

 

“ _Which you were, I’m sure_ ,” David interjects, chuckling.

 

“ _Yeah I was_ ,” Jonny admits. “ _And I wasn’t even mad at him, I was just mad and taking it out on him_.”

 

“ _What were you mad at_?”

 

“ _I still don’t know_ ,” Jonny tells him.

 

“ _Talk to mom_ ,” David advises. “ _You know how good she is at getting you out of your own head_.”

 

“ _I’m twenty-nine years old, David_.”

 

“ _You’re never too old to run to your parents for advice, Jonny_.”

 

“ _You’re probably right_ ,” Jonny sighs.

 

“Of course I am,” David tells him, switching back to English and laughing. “I got the brains, the looks, and the talent.”

 

“And what does that leave me with?”

 

“Kaner.”

 

***

 

They arrive at their parents house to the sound of the other five Kanes as well as Jonny’s parents all chatting in the family room.

 

“Thank god,” Jackie says, when they get there. “I’m starving, we can eat now, right?”

 

“Calm down, Jack,” Donna scolds. “Let the boys settle in first. How are you doing, boys?” she asks Jonny and Pat, kissing each one of them on cheek, before moving to take Lyn away from Patrick. Andree gets up and does the same, before trying to take Lacey from Jonny.

 

“She’s not feeling well,” Jonny says, pulling away from his mother. Andree instantly backs off, moving instead to where everyone else is surrounding Lyn and Donna. Feeling his eyes on him, Jonny looks over at Patrick who is eyeing him exasperatedly. Instead of saying anything, he grabs their things and starts moving towards the stairs, knowing that Patrick will follow him up.

 

“What are you doing?” Patrick asks, shutting the bedroom door behind him. “And instead of giving me some smart-ass answer about what you’re physically doing, answer the question I’m actually asking.” Jonny stops unpacking, Lacey still cuddled up against his chest, and faces Patrick.

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Jonny finally answers.

 

“Well, you could explain to me why you wouldn’t let your mother even close to Lacey.”

 

“She’s not feeling well.”

 

“Damn it, Jonny, I _know_ that, but you’d think it’d be okay for our _mothers_ to touch our babies when they’re not feeling well, wouldn’t you?” Patrick all but yells. “I mean, they took care of us when we were sick, didn’t they?”

 

Jonny doesn’t say anything for awhile, mostly because he still doesn’t know what to say.

 

“Go talk to your mom, Jonny. Because you’re driving me insane and I need you to figure out what hell is wrong.”

 

***

 

Dinner that night isn’t a tense affair, but Jonny is awkward and silent in a way he hasn’t been around his family since the summer after his first season in the NHL. Both of the twins are awake, and while Lyn is happy and giggly while being passed around by all the Kanes and Toews’ alike, Jonny keeps Lacey in a highchair next to him, feeding himself and her at the same time. She’s not nearly as fussy as she has been all day, even laughing at the faces that her Uncle David is making at her from across the table. Jonny reckons she probably  slept most of her symptoms away, but she’s still running warm and Jonny just feels more comfortable with her near him. Patrick isn’t speaking to him, is spending most of his time laughing along with his sisters like he always does when they’re together, but Jonny figures he won’t talk to him again until after Jonny talks to his mom and gets himself together.

 

After dinner, Bryan and Patrick Sr. are put on kitchen duty, much to their displeasure, and everyone else settles into the family room with the remainder of the wine from dinner. Lyn is set down on a blanket on the floor to roll around on, and be generally admired by her aunts, uncle, and grandmothers. Lacey is wide awake, squirming around in Jonny’s arms and whining.

 

“Put her down, Jonny, she wants to play,” Patrick says. “Put her down,” he says again before Jonny has time to respond. Jonny does as he’s told, setting her on the blanket with her sister. They instantly start giggling and poking at each other, and it very well might be the most adorable thing Jonny has ever seen.

 

Over the next hour or so, after the dads have finished in the kitchen, everyone starts making their way upstairs to get ready for bed, one by one, until it’s just Jonny and Andree, who’s straightening up the family room, clearing it of wine bottles and glasses.

 

“ _Come talk to your mother_ ,” she says in French, and Jonny follows her into the kitchen. “ _Do you want a glass of water_?”

 

“ _No, thank you, Maman_.”

 

“ _What’s the matter, son_?” Andree asks him.

 

“ _I don’t know, Maman, it’s been a weird day_ ,” Jonny tells her.

 

“ _Well why don’t you talk me through it_.”

 

Jonny does, telling her everything that happened at the airport, including his fight with Patrick, and how he’s been freaking out all day about Lacey being sick.

 

“ _This isn’t the first time one of the twins has been sick, right_?”

 

“ _No, Maman_.”

 

“ _Then why are you behaving like this_?”

 

“ _I don’t know_ ,” he admits for what feels like the hundredth time that day.

 

“ _Talk to me, Jonny, what’s going on in that head of yours_?”

 

“I...,” Jonny starts lamely. “ _How do I know if I’m a good father or not_?”

 

“ _What do you mean_?”

 

“ _I just. I look at Patrick and I know he’s a good father_ ,” Jonny says. “ _He always knows what the girls want or need, and if he doesn’t know right away he knows how to figure it out_.”

 

“ _Patrick is their primary caregiver at this point, Jonny. It’s only natural that he’s more attuned to their needs_ ,” his mother reminds him.

 

“ _But I’m their dad, too! I should know when they’re sick and I should know how to take care of them_!”

 

“ _You’re absolutely right, Jonathan. You should know how to do these things. But being overprotective and possessive is not going to get you there. You cannot smother your children in an attempt to take care of them. You have to stop that behavior now if you ever want a healthy relationship with your daughters_.”

 

“ _I just don’t know what else to do_ ,” Jonny says, defeated.

 

“ _The secret to being a good parent, mother, father, doesn’t matter, the secret to being a good parent is to love your children. Love your children unconditionally and everything else falls into place_.”

 

“ _I do love my girls, Maman. I love them so much_.”

 

“ _I know you do_ ,” Andree tells him. “ _That’s how I know you’re a good father_.”

 

“ _But the whole point is that I don’t feel like I am_.”

 

“ _You might not always feel like you are_ ,” Andree says. “ _You say you can look at Patrick and know that he’s a good father. I bet if you asked him, he’d say the same about you_.”

 

“ _I doubt it_ ,” Jonny says. “ _I was pretty terrible to him today_.”

 

“ _Then I suggest you go apologize_ ,” Andree advises. “ _Go be a good husband, so you and Pat can be good fathers together_.”

 

“ _Thank you, Maman_.”

 

“ _You’re welcome, Jon. Now go to bed_ ,” Andree commands. “ _But do not by any means_ bed _your husband under my roof. I may have turned a blind eye when you were younger, but you’re old enough to keep it in your pants for a night, I hope_.”

 

“ _Goodnight, Maman_ ,” Jonny says, rolling his eyes.

 

***

 

Patrick is still awake when Jonny gets upstairs to his old bedroom.

 

“Is everything okay?” Patrick asks, as Jonny is undressing for bed. Jonny is silent as he finishes getting ready for bed, saying nothing until he climbs in and takes his usual position cuddled up behind Patrick. “You gonna answer my question or?”

 

“I love you,” Jonny says simply.

 

“Of course you do, I’m fantastic.”

 

“Seriously, Patrick.”

 

“I know, Jon. I love you, too, obviously.”

 

“Obviously, huh?”

 

“Yeah, obviously,” Patrick says. “Why else would I stick around after a day like today?”

 

“I’m sorry for how I acted.”

 

“As well you should be,” Patrick tells him, turning around in Jonny’s arms so that they’re face to face. “You were ridiculous. Are you ever going to explain why?”

 

“I think maybe I’m a little bit jealous of you,” Jonny admits.

 

“Jealous of what? The glamorous life of smelly diapers and vomit stains? I’ll trade you if you want.”

 

“Jealous of all the time you get to spend with the girls. Jealous of how well you know them.”

 

“They’re only six months old, Jon. Not much to know, to be honest.”

 

“You’re so good with them, though.”

 

“I wasn’t always. I tried not to show it, but after my mom left it was really hard on me to adjust to taking care of them by myself during the day. I savor every moment I get to have training. Time to myself, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughters and I love that I get to spend this time watching them grow and develop, but, it takes a toll, you know? To be honest, I can’t wait to be able to get back on the ice. It’s been over a year since I’ve played in an actual game.”

 

“I guess I never thought about how much you might miss being out of the house and back on the ice,” Jonny admits.

 

“Yeah, maybe we’re both a little jealous of each other,” Patrick says.

 

“I guess so.”

 

“And we’re still good fathers, Jon,” Patrick tells him, like he knows what Jonny’s been worried about all along, but wanted him to figure it out for himself. Jonny wouldn’t be surprised, since no one knows him better than Patrick. “Just because you spend a lot of time away from the girls, and I wish I could spend time away, doesn’t mean we’re bad parents. We just need to find a balance. We’ll do it together, just like we’ve done everything else.”

 

Jonny realizes now how guilty he was of being selfish, of being so caught up in his own head that he forgot that he wasn’t alone in this. Laying there with Patrick in his arms, he can’t help but be grateful for everything he’s been blessed with: for David who has been not only a brother, but also a best friend, for his mother who he realizes he will never be too old to go to for advice whenever he needs it, and for Patrick who for the past ten years has gone through everything with him and been everything to him. Jonny never knew what having a family would mean, what being a father would mean, and even at this point he’s still not completely certain, but he’s grateful that, just like everything he’s done in his life, he’s not going to have to figure it out alone.


End file.
